I feel so sad right now and I feel the need to cry but I’m not going to cry. NOT NOW. It’s so hard when you’re piled up with different emotions. I don’t know whether to be mad, to just be understanding, angry, or whatever for someone right now. I just think that one person is being so unfair. IF ONLY I can just forget about everything – I WOULD. What the hell is three years anyway? What the hell were the memories anyway? What the hell were the trials? What the hell is everything when you feel that someone (very unwelcome) came in to the scene and blab about an advice of a break-up when he or she HAS NO IDEA at all what REALLY happened? I feel so screwed up and thrown away from the scene. HELLO?! This is my relationship, THIS IS OUR RELATIONSHIP. Who the hell you think should fix this mess? OTHERS? PATHETIC, REALLY.

I’m not going to comment something bad about you. We’ve been through everything. Walk-outs, shouting, howling, stupid fight, big fight, shallow ones – yes, we’ve been there and I’m quite confused how the hell you came up with this? YES it has been days since you “RESOLVED” this mess but I’m still CONFUSED. I don’t want to question your fidelity now since I haven’t heard of your side and something inside me tells me I shouldn’t question your faithfulness towards me because you’ll never have the mind to do it (AT LEAST). But do you know how it stinks that after too many BIG FIGHTS; you will just end up with a crappy decision like that? Come on. Don’t think I’m not going to be mad at you. I’m being positive about your decision but that’s total bullsh*t. If you think I’m going to change from being a bratty girl to an angel after this, YOU ARE TOTALLY MISSING THE WHOLE POINT. I will not change. As a matter of fact, between the two of us, you’re the one who CHANGED A LOT. I’ve been the bratty GF EVER SINCE THE WORLD BEGAN. YOU’RE FORGIVING, QUIET, SWEET, ETC ETC GOODNESS (PAST TENSE).

This distance thing is stressing me out. But who am I going to blame? Of course, no one. Hello?

IT’S PAINFUL AND I WANT TO CLOSE MY EARS. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR STUPID “I’M NOT HAPPY ANYMORE” OR “I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE”. STUPID STUPID STUPID.

♥Mochasuperhotfudge♥

1. How old are you?

- St. Peter's Basilica, Italy :D

- Turks and Caicos :D

- 5 or 10 :P haha!

- castle.hahaha! (Casanova castle) :P

♥Mochasuperhotfudge♥

“Does love really have to hurt you always? Or you are the one hurting yourself for loving and caring for a person too much. I know “too much” is bad, but how will you know that it is “too much” or “too less”? If he said he’s sad and he wants you to make him happy, does it mean he is really sad and misses you a lot or he already fell out of love and you’re not making him happy anymore? How will you know he doesn’t love you anymore? How can I make him happy when he’s too far away from me? How can I make him happy if I have limited resources? How can I make him happy when I’m feeling sad too? I’m used to making him happy when he was here, beside me. I was the best damn thing that makes him S-U-P-E-R happy, maybe the reason behind why he calls me his superstar (“called me” instead since it has been months since he haven’t called me his “superstar”).” – Pathetic and very insecure questions and ideas

Our problems are way shallow than the problems of other couples. It is really strange how shallow we can be sometimes. We fight because of random pointless reasons (mostly misunderstandings). He never cheated on me, he never dead-cussed me, he never hurt me physically, he always make sure to it I receive fancy gifts from him once in a while, he wants the best for me, he supports me all the way, he never forced me to do “it”, he never stabbed me behind my back, he never forgets to say “sorry” to me every time we fight. Maybe these are the reasons why everyone’s saying I’m lucky. Maybe, I’m really lucky, and funny as it may seem, I feel insecure every time people throw such compliments to him. It’s ironic. I felt I haven’t done anything good to make him as lucky as I am.

Or have I exerted my VERY BEST to give him the happiness he deserve?

I would have to say “no”. He was always the first one to say sorry. He was always the one who’ll be so excited to celebrate our anniversaries. He was the one who will make sure to it that he’s little girl is very happy. He makes every single plan in this relationship. He was the one who says we’ll be “forever” and that he will love me whatever happens. He accepts me despite my weaknesses, like how my Mom will always do. He never said I’m fat or I’m perfectly slim because for him I look perfect just the way I am. He was always the one who will really push it to the limit just to keep this relationship as strong as possible. He never left me.

I’ve given him the less share of the cake.

I’m dramatic. I cry for stupid reasons. I cry when he’s not texting me (even though I know his very pangit cellphone is very unreliable, di makasend kahit isang text sa Pinas). I cry when he’s 30 minutes late. I throw my diarrhea-prone mouth at him when he says he’s tired from work and school. I cry when I’m bored and have nothing to do but CRY. I cry when I’m alone, bored, and missing him and then accuse him for leaving me for Canada. I cry whenever he says he’s sleepy. I cry because I know it makes him weak. I cry because I know when he hears it he’ll comfort me to death.

I’m insensitive. I don’t want him to sleep early after a long day at work or school. I don’t want him to go out (sometimes. SOMETIMES). I gave him a birthday gift – without a single letter or a single “happy birthday note” because I’m mad at him. On the other hand, he gave me a cutesy letter despite his very clogged-irritating schedules. I never accepted his sorry without throwing up my diarrhea-prone-mouth’s wastes.

I’m a spoiled-brat girlfriend. And I’m guilty since the day I was born. I don’t know if my grandfather was the culprit of my very spoiled brat attitude – but I don’t want to blame him. It was really my choice at the first place. And it’s really my choice to change it or overcome this stage of immaturity.

This is not a hate letter for my self. I just want to say sorry baby. I hope this could be my first step to make you smile again. I have lots to give you pa kaya.

Please just smile a bit. Please smile for me baby.

HUUUGGG!!!

*** This might be a “laugh” for some but this means so much to me.

♥Mochasuperhotfudge♥

As I've grown, I've learned several things. Life is full of disappointments & people you trusted will sooner or later let you down. I've learned that often those you love will love someone else & there's only one way to fall; fast & hard. I've learned that out of thousands of smiles, it takes ONE to touch your heart. I've found that words can be deceiving, but the truth always lies in a person's eyes. I've learned that everything can change in the blink of an eye & tears often come without invitation. I've learned crying can make us stronger & there is never too much love to go around. I've learned that prejudice helps no one & that weapons don't hurt people, PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE. I've learned sticks & stones may leave cuts and bruises but harsh words leave scars. I've found that every time you give someone a piece of your heart, it's a piece that you will never get back. I've learned the past is meant to be put behind us & we can't dwell on regrets, for what's done is done. I've learned that trusting yourself is the first step & that FORGIVING is remembering that helps your own heart more then theirs. I've found that family isn't always blood & everyone is someone's hero. I've learned life is unexpected & that God can do anything. I’ve learned that it maybe your first love but it can also be not your last and true love. I've learned some things aren't meant to be understood & that only time heals. I've found that imagination is our greatest gift & that we are meant to dream for a reason. I've learned it is never too late to fall in love & that being "beautiful" is all on the inside. MISTAKES ARE OUR BEST TEACHERS & everything happens for a reason. Only then can you live life to its true potential.

♥Mochasuperhotfudge♥

Each and every one of us has our own autobiography written on our minds. The only borderline between Anne Frank and you (or I) is we don’t have the little red diary from our fathers. But we are all the same. We have our frustrations, our dreams, and our weirdest imaginations – and even our mind-made alias for people we know. There should never be an issue of who set the greatest record or who gets to be written on Encyclopedias or who should occupy the next big room at the World Museum. The only issue that should be talked about by human beings, by us, is if we are having a worthwhile stay here on earth.

People are never contented. That is a bitter fact we considered as a part of our being. But it is also the sweetest drug that pushes us to what we aspire – to what we dream. This sweetest drug guides us to a path where we can say we are alive and happy. It’s just a matter of taking it or just settle for something you know you can never grow – never learn from. It’s not an ambition; it’s surviving the challenge. Those people who settle for the least prey gets nothing. Those who wander deep down to the woods get the greatest catch – certainly a worth while catch for the night. In one way or another, along the path inside the woods we might encounter creepy creatures that might hurt us but nothing beats a determined heart that knows the best cure to every pain. Even the most incredible man-made trap can never catch a hunter who is determined and who has a faith. And when the hunter or huntress gets their greatest catch for the night, they’ll go back to their cabin - a cabin where both of them can feel the happiness that is destined for each and every human being.

It is in the silence of our hearts (broken or not) where we can find happiness. Happiness was given to us before we ever learned to talk, walk, or fall in love. But like any talent or like any skill, it needs a brave heart to know its existing deep within us. If you think you found that happiness, then you’ll also find the person or the people you can share this happiness with.

You pass a bunch of people in a day--people in their cars, in the grocery store, waiting for their coffee at an espresso stand. You look at apartment buildings and streets, the comings and goings, elevators crawling up and down, and each person has their own story going on right then, with its cast of characters; they've got their own frustrations and their happiness and the things they're looking forward to and dreading. And sometimes you wonder if you've crossed paths with any of them before without knowing it, or will one day cross their path again. But sometimes, too, you have this little feeling of knowing, this fuzzy, gnawing sense that someone will become a major something in your life. You just know that theirs will be a life you will enter and become part of.

♥Mochasuperhotfudge♥

It has been four years. YES. FOUR years has already passed since you broke my heart. And every time I remember the pain you gave me, I still cry wondering what I have done to be stepped on like that. The girl who always ran back to you, the girl who excitedly greets you hello, the girl who walked around Buendia not knowing where to go, the girl who called you for (literally) hundred times and texted you NON-STOP just to have you back, the girl who begged every single person you know to help her have you back, the girl who swallowed every hurtful words you say, the girl who will always be the first one to say sorry, the girl who cries at night because she wants you back - is still DAMN alive in my memory.

You once meant the entire life to me. You were once the only guy I love. You were once my “I-only-need-you-I-don’t-need-anything-or-anyone” guy. But you are just a “WERE” and a “WAS” now. You are now my “just-a-guy-from-the-past”. You manipulated my mind and my heart. You treated me like a trash. You wasted all my efforts, all my sacrifices, and all my love because of your freaking pride. There’s no exact word to describe the pain you gave me. There’s no exact word to explain my stupidity. I always thought you were my Prince Charming or my Knight but how stupid can I get, you were just a player who tosses me away and takes me back whenever you NEED me – whenever you are bored or drunk. The painful truth is – YOU ONLY LOVE ME WHEN YOU”RE DRUNK. Yes it hurts but I got used to it. For that damn 10 months equals my lifetime trauma.

You want to me to give you a quick recap? We broke up because of my constant nagging (that’s your point). My point? We broke up because I don’t feel your love. How will I feel something that is not really there right from the start? But I tried. Even if it pains me a lot, I tried. I found out you cheated on me, I accepted it. I DAMN ACCEPTED IT. And when the girl confessed to me she is your “other girl” you asked me to defend you, and I did. I assumed that after that you’ll be better, you’ll show me that you love me – but you never did. My constant nagging escalated because you haven’t given me what I WANT. I just want YOU – your love. For the record, what were your sacrifices? NONE. If commuting from CSB to my school was your “sacrifice”, then what are your obligations?

I swallowed every pain, every shame, every guilt-trip, and every hurtful word. I swallowed every “You’re so stupid”, “you are such a darn martyr”, “Are you blind?”, and every “He’s not worth it”. I swallowed it – ALONE. Because I believe that someday, somehow you’ll care. But you never did. Instead, one morning I woke up with NO Prince Charming – with no Knight. I waited for one whole day and still you’re not returning my calls and you’re not answering my text messages. I waited for days and days until the days became months – I NEVER GOT ANY SINGLE WORD FROM YOU. And your “reason” – we fought the night before you LEFT ME. How stupid can I get? After all these things I still have the hope to say, “Maybe he’s just busy with school and stuff. My baby will come back. I knowJ” But you never did. Then my phone beeped like never before – It’s you. You SHOCKINGLY greeted me a happy birthday. I was very happy. I felt like the whole universe collided to bring you back to me. BUT I WAS TOTALLY WRONG. You texted me to say, “Happy Birthday. I got a new girlfriend”. I felt like the whole universe collapsed right in front of my face. My only reply was, “Oh really? J I’m happy for you. I also have a new boyfriend already” – ME a “faker”.

Months passed by - still in pain. Then my hero came. He helped me to fix your mess. He showed me what a real girlfriend and a real boyfriend is. He showed me a new definition of the words happiness, love, and life. I never felt so complete – never felt so contented. He showed me something you can never show me – HONESTY. He taught me to spread the love he gave me. He taught me to share this to my family and to my friends. He changed me. He made me love him – more than I ever loved you. And for the record, HE NEVER LEFT ME. Yes, I may be a nagger. But he took it as a challenge. I became a nagger because of your stupid fault. We are happy – more than the word “happiness” itself.

And now you’re here, hurting me again. But I won’t let you take the stage again. I won’t let you take this happiness away from me. I am not going back. You can never fool me EVER AGAIN. You’ll never have me again. You’ll never play with my heart again. Every time I remember you, all I can say is “PAINFUL”. I am not letting you hurt me again. I am closing my doors. It’s over. I will erase you from my mind.

♥Mochasuperhotfudge♥

Labels: bear, express, flowers, gifts, roses, surprise

♥Mochasuperhotfudge♥